Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

I Must Confess, I Am More Than A Little Scared


Wow…The past 9 months have literally flown by. Here it is, January 8th, and in 6 days, I will be having my son, Xander. I have given up on Mother Nature bringing him sooner…If the yoga ball, stair hopping, eggplant parmesan, galloping, evening primrose oil, Taco Bell, breast-pumping, sex, and bumpy car rides haven’t coaxed him out, I am sure that nothing will at this point,lol… I am excited and eager to finally see my little boy. But I am also scared. Terrified. Borderline petrified, actually. I will be having Xander via C-section. Just like I had Kyle, and just like I had Sophie. You may think that since this is the 3rd cesarean for me, it would get easier somehow. It probably should be a breeze….A piece of cake. I should be going into this without a care in the world. But it’s not that way at all. I am afraid. They are going to stick me with a huge needle, put me on a catheter and an IV, and they are going to cut me open. And I am going to be awake for the whole thing. Maybe for some people, surgery is no big deal. But it scares the hell out of me. I trust my doctor 100%. I adore my doctor, and so does my husband. But not everything is in my doctor’s control….There are certain things that are just out of everyone’s hands, and I have to pray and trust that God will get me through this in one piece. C-sections are scary. Especially when you’re walking yourself into one. An emergency C-section is different…You don’t have much time to think about it. You are whisked away, prepped, and your baby is delivered. That’s how it was with Kyle, and maybe it’s because I was 18 years old, but I didn’t have the level of fear that I do now. With Sophie, she was scheduled, and it was SO hard to walk myself into the hospital knowing what was going to happen. It was so hard walking myself into the operating room alone so the anasthaesiologist could administer the spinal block. Dan couldn’t be in the room for that, and I panicked. Once the meds kicked in, I felt like my legs were crossed, although they were straight out in front of me…. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I cried during the whole procedure, and Dan was doing the best he could to keep me calm. It was downright traumatic, and on top of the surgery being frightening, I felt like something was being taken from me. I really wanted to have a VBAC, but unfortunately, they just wouldn’t allow it. Most, if not all, local doctors here do not allow VBACs at all. So instead of giving birth, I felt like they were TAKING my birth from me. It was pretty disheartening. And here I am, 6 days away from another C-section, and I am so afraid. I can’t sleep. I just don’t feel prepared to go through this again just 12 months after the last one. I am afraid of everything that can go wrong, and I would be lying if I said I’m not afraid of the pain involved. (Yes, I am a big baby when it comes to pain, and I also HATE taking any kind of painkillers, go figure.) Dan seems so relaxed. I on the other hand feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown between now and next Friday. I don’t like not being in control….I don’t like knowing that I am literally putting my life and the life of my baby in someone else’s hands. I don’t like not knowing for certain what the outcome will be. Rationally, I know that chances are, everything will go just fine. But there is the big, nagging what if that is driving me insane. I’m just not ready to DO this again. I’m not ready for the procedure, I am not ready for the pain of recovery or taking care of 2 babies at the same time while trying to heal… I am not ready to be away from my daughter for days at a time….Kyle will be fine, but Sophie is only a year old, and I am not used to being away from her…I am just NOT READY. But I cannot stop the hands of time, and D-Day is creeping ever nearer. I wish I could just put on my big girl panties and toughen up, but I think they got lost somewhere in the laundry,lol…I’m terrified. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

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January 8, 2011 - Posted by | My Story

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