Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

30 Days of Truth~Day 9: Someone You Didn’t Want To Let Go, But Just Drifted.

First here is a bit of a disclaimer: This is my blog. I find it easier to open up when I write, and I am very candid and to the point. Sometimes what I say is positive, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes  people may agree with me, sometimes they won’t. This 30 day challenge is all about raw honesty and self-examination. It is about being real with your feelings. It is not to cause drama, it is not to point fingers, it is not to do anything other than be real with myself as I complete this 30 day journey. I will not sugar coat things, and I will not deny myself the ability to express my feelings freely just because some of them may not be all rainbows and butterflies. I am a firm believer that if you feel something, LET yourself feel it. Get it out. Learn to heal. Right or wrong, feelings are just that: Feelings. And there is no personal growth if they are not dealt with or expressed. I am not doing this challenge to bash anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. As a matter of fact, I am choosing to not go into specific names or relationships where applicable, because I do not want to create drama. But this is MY blog. It is my outlet to express myself  in any way I choose to. Life is not always happy or glamorous. I won’t lie to my readers or myself and say it is on here just to placate anyone or present things a way that they’re not. If I am having a great day, you will know it. If I am having a bad day, you’ll know that, too. This challenge has not been an easy one to take on, but I see more benefit to MYSELF in doing it than in not doing it. If you want me to keep things real, keep reading. If you cannot respect my right to talk about my own feelings and my life in a raw and honest manner, no one is forcing you to stay and read. That’s the wonderful thing about the internet. One click and you can go somewhere else, and anything you don’t like will be lost in cyberspace. Out of sight, out of mind. Now on to today’s challenge…..

You know, this one is a tricky one. I have never once let someone go that I wasn’t fully prepared and willing to let go. In the past, I had a huge issue with allowing people to get close to me. So pretty much any time I let someone go or drifted apart from someone, it really didn’t affect me much. I had a tough exterior (read: major defense mechanism) and no one really ever penetrated that. I know that sounds sad, but let’s face it…I have not had a perfect life, and teenagers do what they can to cope, and those things aren’t always the best or most healthy things. Should I have kept everyone at a distance the way I did, and I must admit, in some ways still do? That depends on how you look at it… In many cases, it has protected me from being hurt. In other cases, I know my own defenses have hurt me, and I missed out on people and things I may have enjoyed.

Over the years, things have improved on this front. I have a small circle of people I love and trust, but I still keep a distance between me and a good 95% of people I know. It’s pretty much an automatic response, and it’s one of the many things I really need to work on. I am not a perfect person. I will never claim to be. I make mistakes like everyone else. I am horribly insecure at times, I take things too personally, I am shy, I am sometimes too introverted, I don’t ask for help when I need it, I am a recovering bulimic, and I have issues with trust once trust has been broken. These things all stem from being hurt a lot, and so is the not allowing myself to get too attached to people.

Sometimes I feel like no one really, truly knows me. Aside from my husband, of course. I have found that people have at times made assumptions that have been totally and completely off, and that is partially my own fault because I don’t always communicate things properly. I have the desire to keep to myself so much, that most people don’t actually see the whole picture and just see what they want to and make their judgements based on that. That is partially my fault for keeping people out, and partly the fault of others for only seeing what they want to see.

But I have also found that no one REALLY knows everything about another person, especially if they are not there on a day to day basis. You only see bits and pieces and those bits and pieces can be quite deceiving. Here is a good example: I have been pregnant and on doctor ordered bedrest (or recovering from surgery) for the better part of 2 years now. With a house full of people, it had gotten very hard to keep up with the housework for a good 6 month period. I wasn’t allowed to do it, my husband was working a TON of hours and helping take care of me, Kyle, and the baby and trying to do what housework he could (and he didn’t even bother to do a thorough job because he was too exhausted and probably didn’t even know HOW to do most of it, since it had always been MY job to take care of the house), my 10 year old tried to help, but let’s face it, a kid can only do so much…And I couldn’t do much, if anything, about it.

Maybe I should have asked for help, but as I stated above, that is not something I am good at. I am not used to being able to count on anyone. So my house got abso-friggin-lutely disgusting. I mean it was gross. The bathrooms were filthy, mostly because I had uncontrollable morning sickness and my hubby didn’t know how to properly clean a bathroom, and a good part of the time, it looked like a tornado hit the rest of the house. There was too much to do and no one was doing it. Mommy was out of commission and everything basically went to hell in a handbasket. It was BAD. I got to the point that I was so disgusted I was about to just move out until someone either cleaned properly, or I had the baby and was able to take my role back on and do it myself, like I had always done before. It has now  literally come to the point that I am ignoring my bedrest just so I can have a house I don’t mind living in. And I was able to finally teach Dan how to do things right.

So now, my house is not white-glove immaculate, but at least it’s CLEAN. Has been for months. But just imagine if in that situation, someone had come over a handful of times, but they had  ONLY come over when the house was in that horrible state. They would probably assume that we lived like pigs and didn’t care about our home, when that wasn’t even remotely the case. But if they had never seen things once they had gone back to normal, or at least mostly back to normal, they would have no idea of how we REALLY choose to live. See? Bits and pieces can form wrong assumptions, and unless you have the WHOLE picture in front of you, you just don’t know…So does anyone really know anything when they aren’t around all the time? Not really. So someone could easily assume in that situation that I am a slob and don’t take care of my home. But if they had stepped foot inside any time in the past few months, or before I got put on bedrest, they would know that is absolutely not the case.

Just like making assumptions about a marriage when you’re not in it is foolhardy. I have had friends who have seemed 100% in love and happy, and ended up divorced because they were miserable behind closed doors. There are also other couples I have seen that people assumed were unhappy that weren’t. People who were the victims of jealous gossip…Where people would say things like “Oh they can’t possibly be happy together.” ” They’re an awful couple.” ” He/she is messing around on their partner” (when they’re not) or other ignorant statements based on assumption. Some of these “awful” couples have the closest, most loving relationships out there and have just  stopped caring what people think. As long as they know they love eachother and they know they’re happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. No marriage is without it’s problems. There are highs and lows, and good times and bad. But unless someone is there 24/7 physically witnessing the ins and outs of a relationship with their own two eyes, can they ever REALLY be able to make a judgement based on gossip or assumptions? Nope. Not at all.

So if you keep people out, no one can never really, truly know you. There will never be a strong enough bond there to make a relationship indisposable. You can never just assume things when you haven’t been around enough to make sound judgements. I don’t pretend to know everything about even my closest friends. Until I have walked in their shoes and lived their lives and know all of the nitty gritty minute details of every aspect of their lives, I cannot pretend that I know everything about how they feel, how they think, or how they live their lives. It just doesn’t work that way. People have things they keep private, and they have aspects of their lives that other people don’t necessarily see looking in from the outside. Humans are very complex creatures that way,lol

So while I have improved some on not keeping people out, there is still much work to be done. I need to be able to form real attachments to people other than my husband and family without the fear of being hurt. In order to have relationships I don’t WANT to let go, I have to allow people to actually KNOW me. This has always been a challenge, and it has been one that has really hurt me in the past.

So while there aren’t any relationships I didn’t “want” to let go, there ARE relationships I currently have that I wish were closer. I have quite a few friends I would love to see, talk to, and interact with more. And I am the only one holding myself back where that is concerned. I could pick up a phone or call to see if someone wanted to do something. I could open up more. My self-esteem and defense mechanisms have made me shy to the point that I never want to bother anyone…But at the same time, this is hindering my relationships. There are people I know I can count on, and they know they can count on me. But sometimes I really wish I were more involved with them than I am. There are friends I haven’t seen in awhile that I would love to get together with. People I wish I talked to more. But instead of picking up the phone and reaching out, I just don’t. I really need to work on changing that, and I need to accept that it’s OKAY to be close to people and to need people. It’s okay to let people in. Even if it’s hard, it’s something I really need to start doing more of.


December 15, 2010 - Posted by | My Story

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