Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

30 Days of Truth~Day 4 Something I Have to Forgive Someone For


First here is a bit of a disclaimer: This is my blog. I find it easier to open up when I write, and I am very candid and to the point. Sometimes what I say is positive, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes  people may agree with me, sometimes they won’t. This 30 day challenge is all about raw honesty and self-examination. It is about being real with your feelings. It is not to cause drama, it is not to point fingers, it is not to do anything other than be real with myself as I complete this 30 day journey. I will not sugar coat things, and I will not deny myself the ability to express my feelings freely just because some of them may not be all rainbows and butterflies. I am a firm believer that if you feel something, LET yourself feel it. Get it out. Learn to heal. Right or wrong, feelings are just that: Feelings. And there is no personal growth if they are not dealt with or expressed. I am not doing this challenge to bash anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. As a matter of fact, I am choosing to not go into specific names or relationships where applicable, because I do not want to create drama. But this is MY blog. It is my outlet to express myself  in any way I choose to. Life is not always happy or glamorous. I won’t lie to my readers or myself and say it is on here just to placate anyone or present things a way that they’re not. If I am having a great day, you will know it. If I am having a bad day, you’ll know that, too. This challenge has not been an easy one to take on, but I see more benefit to MYSELF in doing it than in not doing it. If you want me to keep things real, keep reading. If you cannot respect my right to talk about my own feelings and my life in a raw and honest manner, no one is forcing you to stay and read. That’s the wonderful thing about the internet. One click and you can go somewhere else, and anything you don’t like will be lost in cyberspace. Out of sight, out of mind. Now on to today’s challenge…..

 

 

 

Sheesh….Do these ever get any easier? I guess the whole point is  to make you think and grow, but some things are better left unspoken.  I have no problem forgiving others…As a matter of fact, forgiveness comes naturally to me, for the most part. But just because I have forgiven someone doesn’t mean I ever want to speak to or lay eyes on them again. Generally, if the offense is bad enough, I treat things as if that person no longer exists. I am all for ridding my life of toxic people, and I am good at it. Very, very good at it. So the vast majority of things that need to be forgiven have been, whether or not the offending person is still a part of my life. So this is hard. I don’t really know who I still need to forgive….Time to save as a draft and think.

Okay….After 45 minutes of pondering, I can finally answer this question. I am not naming names or relationship to me, as I still love and deal with this person, even though they have hurt me and my family. I know someone who is very selfish. Who only tends to think of themselves, and isn’t really there when they are needed. They are kind of a fair-weather friend, so to speak. They won’t hesitate to call if they need something, but when it comes to someone needing them, they are distant and aloof. They have not been there for my husband and he has really needed them, and they have not been there for my children, which to me is hurtful and inexcusable. They seem to get too wrapped up in their own lives and crises that they forget about the people who care about them, and they tend to get their priorities incredibly backwards.

Another thing I need to forgive is this person’s lack of honesty. They are the type that tells what they want you to think, even if it’s completely false, and they will drag a lie out for long periods. And most of the lies are very selfishly motivated. It has literally gotten to the point that both my husband and I don’t know when to believe and take this person seriously, and it’s really sad that we have to second-guess everything like that. We feel that we cannot count on this person to say what they mean and do what they say, and that hurts.

Another thing that I need to forgive is the way this person has treated me and my family as far as openness and sharing things with us that we would probably need to know. Recently we found out through someone else that something major was going on with this person, (we found out from a 3rd party) and I am talking huge, life altering event type major. I had been talking to them a lot recently, and this was never, ever even mentioned. When you’re close to someone, you share your goals and plans, your joy and your tears…. We thought we were close to them, and they didn’t even care enough about us to include us in their happiness. My husband literally cried, just a tiny bit, since he isn’t much of a crier, and then said, “Well, I shouldn’t be surprised. I have come to expect this kind of thing from them.”  Coming from him, that says a lot.

I am not the only one who feels this way. There are several others who have made the same observations, who have been hurt as well. And this is just the way this person is hardwired…They don’t think about how their actions affect others, and they don’t ever stop and think about who they may be inadvertently hurting. Now don’t get me wrong, they are a good person at heart, with good intentions. Just a little self-centered and unconcerned with the way they treat others. I love this person dearly. I can’t imagine my life without them. But over the past few years, they have caused my family a lot of pain and disappointment, and I have not yet forgiven that fully. Not when I look at my kids and know that it is affecting them in many ways. We’re just not important enough to this person, and how do I explain that to my children when the time comes? My 10 year old has already asked that kind of thing, and neither Dan or I know what to tell him.

So there it is. Probably much better left unspoken, but it’s the only thing I’ve really got in this category.

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December 10, 2010 - Posted by | My Story

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