Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

30 Days of Truth~Day 3: Something I Need To Forgive Myself For


First here is a bit of a disclaimer: This is my blog. I find it easier to open up when I write, and I am very candid and to the point. Sometimes what I say is positive, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes  people may agree with me, sometimes they won’t. This 30 day challenge is all about raw honesty and self-examination. It is about being real with your feelings. It is not to cause drama, it is not to point fingers, it is not to do anything other than be real with myself as I complete this 30 day journey. I will not sugar coat things, and I will not deny myself the ability to express my feelings freely just because some of them may not be all rainbows and butterflies. I am a firm believer that if you feel something, LET yourself feel it. Get it out. Learn to heal. Right or wrong, feelings are just that: Feelings. And there is no personal growth if they are not dealt with or expressed. I am not doing this challenge to bash anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. As a matter of fact, I am choosing to not go into specific names or relationships where applicable, because I do not want to create drama. But this is MY blog. It is my outlet to express myself  in any way I choose to. Life is not always happy or glamorous. I won’t lie to my readers or myself and say it is on here just to placate anyone or present things a way that they’re not. If I am having a great day, you will know it. If I am having a bad day, you’ll know that, too. This challenge has not been an easy one to take on, but I see more benefit to MYSELF in doing it than in not doing it. If you want me to keep things real, keep reading. If you cannot respect my right to talk about my own feelings and my life in a raw and honest manner, no one is forcing you to stay and read. That’s the wonderful thing about the internet. One click and you can go somewhere else, and anything you don’t like will be lost in cyberspace. Out of sight, out of mind. Now on to today’s challenge…..

 

 

 

Wow…This one is hard. Very hard. There are so many things I regret. I haven’t always been the same person I am today, and when I think back to a lot of different things I have done or experienced, I am ashamed. I had a rough childhood, as my mom is an addict and an alcoholic. I rebelled. I was angry. I didn’t always treat people the way they deserved to be treated. I was so concerned about keeping a wall up around myself that I never really let anyone get too close to me. I don’t like the person I used to be, and anyone who knew me then and knows me now can attest that I am quite different….That’s why it makes signaling out one solitary thing I should forgive myself for very difficult…I am my own worst critic, as I am sure my Day 1 post made very clear. I could write a novel on my regrets. But we’ll just stick with one thing for now.

The single biggest thing I need to forgive myself for is staying with an abusive man as long as I did, and allowing my son to witness things he never, ever should have. I got married young…WAY too young…To a man I thought would “save” me from my mother’s dysfunctional household. Not a good reason to get married, I know. But to a 16 year old who thinks they know it all, it made sense at the time. I had been told my whole life I wasn’t good enough, and he fooled me into thinking I was wanted. That I would be taken care of. Boy, was I naiive. The fact that a 21 year old would even WANT to be with a 16 year old child should have sent red flags up, but I was too headstrong and young to care.

I thought he wanted a wife, but in reality, what he wanted was someone to control… Someone to put down…Someone to use as a physical and emotional punching bag. In all honesty, he is the most insecure person I have ever met, and he needed to make himself feel worthy by making ME feel worthless. My ex-husband came from a very sick and twisted family, and his mind just isn’t right. He almost seems to think that females deserve to be put down and should be subservient at all times. He was cruel. He could be violent at times. He was sadistic. He was sociopathic. He was controlling. I wasn’t allowed to be myself. I had to try and be what I thought he wanted me to be. Little did I know that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough. After years of verbal and mental abuse and isolation, it is hard not to start believing what the abuser tells you. It almost brainwashes a person. He said I could never do better than him, and no one would ever want me. I believed him. He said that I was fat and ugly and basically a failure as a woman. I believed him. He told me I was worthless because I didn’t want to be sodomized. I felt dirty and I believed him. By the time my son was born, it was too late. I was too petrified to leave, even though by that point, I knew that I never should have married this man in the first place.

Luckily, the violence wasn’t a daily occurrence. But the extreme verbal abuse and mind games were. My son has seen me get hit. My son has seen me get screamed at. He has seen me literally afraid for my life. He has seen a rotisserie being thrown at me, and  me being choked out on the floor to the point of blacking out, and the only thing that saved me was the dog attacking him. He then focused his anger at the dog and got off of me. He has heard his mother called unspeakable names. He has seen me shed oceans of tears. He has seen me weak and afraid. And he REMEMBERS it. He literally remembers things from when he was a preschooler. And I feel so damn guilty for that. I never, ever should have let that man reduce me to what he did…I never should have let him have that much control over me. I should have left much sooner than I did. I should have spared my baby. But I was too weak and afraid, and was still convinced at that point that I couldn’t live without him, even though I despised him, and I despised who he had made me become.

It has been years since I finally got the courage to end that marriage. It has been years since my son has had to see that kind of thing. I have been remarried to a wonderful man who loves me and my son, as well as our baby and baby to be. I am married to a man who is kind and gentle, who rarely even raises his voice and never calls me names, even when he’s angry.I am with a man who is teaching my son what it means to be a man, to be a husband, and to be a father. But my baby still remembers…I wish I could take that away from him. I need to forgive myself for this, but I don’t know if I ever can. My son lost some of his innocence due to the weakness of his mother. And that is my biggest regret.

Advertisements

December 9, 2010 - Posted by | My Story

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: