Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

30 Days of Truth Day 1: Something I Hate About Myself


First here is a bit of a disclaimer: This is my blog. I find it easier to open up when I write, and I am very candid and to the point. Sometimes what I say is positive, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes  people may agree with me, sometimes they won’t. This 30 day challenge is all about raw honesty and self-examination. It is about being real with your feelings. It is not to cause drama, it is not to point fingers, it is not to do anything other than be real with myself as I complete this 30 day journey. I will not sugar coat things, and I will not deny myself the ability to express my feelings freely just because some of them may not be all rainbows and butterflies. I am a firm believer that if you feel something, LET yourself feel it. Get it out. Learn to heal. Right or wrong, feelings are just that: Feelings. And there is no personal growth if they are not dealt with or expressed. I am not doing this challenge to bash anyone or hurt anyone’s feelings. As a matter of fact, I am choosing to not go into specific names or relationships where applicable, because I do not want to create drama. But this is MY blog. It is my outlet to express myself  in any way I choose to. Life is not always happy or glamorous. I won’t lie to my readers or myself and say it is on here just to placate anyone or present things a way that they’re not. If I am having a great day, you will know it. If I am having a bad day, you’ll know that, too. This challenge has not been an easy one to take on, but I see more benefit to MYSELF in doing it than in not doing it. If you want me to keep things real, keep reading. If you cannot respect my right to talk about my own feelings and my life in a raw and honest manner, no one is forcing you to stay and read. That’s the wonderful thing about the internet. One click and you can go somewhere else, and anything you don’t like will be lost in cyberspace. Out of sight, out of mind. Now on to today’s challenge…..

 

 

Day 1…..Something I hate about myself…This will probably be the easiest one on the list, as sad as that is. I have struggled my whole life with accepting myself the way I am. I have never, ever, even for a single day, felt good enough. They are calling for brutal honesty during this 30 Days of Truth challenge…Brutal honesty is what I will give. As hard is it may be. It’s never easy to face the things you feel the worst about head-on. But it’s something I am going to do, anyway. So here we go….Chances are it will be a list, rather than one individual thing. I’m just going to let my fingers do the talking.

I hate my low self-esteem. I hate my insecurities. I hate feeling like I never *quite* fit in, and fearing that no one really wants me around. I hate the fact that I am terribly shy and unsure of myself, and that I tend to be a total and complete introvert. I hate that I second guess everyone’s intentions because I am so used to wearing my heart on my sleeve, being peoples’ doormats, and just getting hurt and taken advantage of because of it. I hate that I never fully let people in…Okay, a few, but not many. I have the bad habit of trying to find the good in people, and when they disappoint me, it is damn near impossible to regain my trust. I give trust 100% until you screw it up…Once the trust is broken, nothing is the same anymore. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I always have, ever since I was a child. I have never been “enough”. Never smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough…Never, ever enough…Not for anyone….Not for myself. No matter what I accomplish, it’s not enough…You got 2nd place in the talent show? So what? Why not first? You got the Presidential Academic Fitness Award? So what…Why not the Physical Fitness Award, too? You got a new dress you think you look good in? So what? It would look so much better on someone smaller. Etc, etc…. I hate that my whole life has been spent trying to please everyone but me….I hate that I care too much about what people think, and I take things way too personally at times. I hate that I fear everything. I am always worried about the worst things that can happen, and it keeps me from fully enjoying the present moment. I hate my body. I hate that I have stretch marks. Surprisingly, they ALL came from my 1st pregnancy with Kyle, and I have gotten no more with Sophie or now with Xander.  But they are there, and I hate them. I hate my tummy…2 (soon to be 3) c-sections give you a “pooch” that doesn’t just magically disappear. I hate that I have no butt. Really, I have NO booty. None. Blech. I hate everything about the way I look, and I would love to feel pretty someday….I have done some very stupid things to try and get there, and I hate that, too. I hate that I am not strong enough to resist the inner voice that pushes me to try and be something I’ll never be. I hate that I do destructive things to try and achieve that. I hate that I can’t resist, and that every pound I gain, even while pregnant, makes me feel like a failure. I am scared that once I have Xander, old habits will reemerge, and I will fall back into an unhealthy quest for perfection. I hate that I am meek. I hate that I feel intimidated by other women….even friends….I distance myself from them, because I feel they are better than me, and it makes me feel bad. I hate that I am so wrapped up in worry that I can’t be optimistic a good part of the time, at least when it comes to myself. I hate that I can never feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate that when I am in a group setting, I shut down and turn into the quiet person in the corner. I hate that no one understands me. I hate that when I get a compliment, I feel like people are lying because they feel sorry for me.

So there is my list of the things I hate about myself….But on the bright side, despite all that, there is some good…When I love, I love wholeheartedly…When I trust, I trust completely. And I care more about others than I do myself, and would do anything for those I care about. Now if only that mattered in this world as much as a perfect body and pretty face!

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December 7, 2010 - Posted by | My Story

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