Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

Why I Wish I Were A Kardashian~Dealing With The Pregnancy Uglies


Okay….This may sound irrational or ridiculous. It may sound as though I have basically lost my damn mind! But I really want to be a Kardashian…Just for a moment. For a day. I would love to know what it feels like to be beautiful and glamorous 24/7.   It seems that the famed trio are always put together and perfect. Whether they’re pregnant, hungover, just waking up, sick, etc.  They always have perfect, flawless skin, luxuriously shiny and full hair that always seems to be in place (guess bad hair days just don’t happen in K-World!) and their bodies are always centerfold-ready. No lumps or bumps that need to be smoothed, and they look fantastic in everything they wear, whether it be an evening gown or a pair of nasty, ancient sweats.

  I watch their shows as some sort of masochistic ritual. I love to love them, and I love to hate them. I love the humor of the crazy situations they deal with day to day, and  I hate them for making me hate myself.  Seeing their glamorous lifestyle just reminds me how NOT glamorous I am. People don’t fawn over me all day and tell me how beautiful I am. Heck, my own husband doesn’t even tell me I am pretty. (Unless I ASK him, and let’s face it, that doesn’t count,lol)  When they wake up in the morning, even without make-up, they look polished and naturally pretty. A portrait of perfection. When I wake up, it’s a whole different story….I don’t have bags under my eyes, I have luggage. And my hair? Yeah…not a nice thought. I don’t have straight hair, and I don’t have curly hair. My hair would be classified as insanely thick and wavy. (READ: unmanageable rat’s nest,lol) I am forced to just pull my hair back into a messy bun or pony because I simply cannot do anything with it!  And it seems that no matter what they eat, they always look like Barbies. Kim Kardashian did a commercial for Carl’s Jr. where she eats some big, greasy, juicy burger. And she can STILL go pose for Playboy and look like a million bucks.

When I look at my rapidly expanding body, it makes me want to cry….After having Sophie, I had lost a great deal of weight. I don’t have a tiny frame, so I can never realistically expect to wear a size 2, let alone the size 0 that society makes us think we have to achieve. But I DID get down to a size 8. Which for me, is TINY. I am naturally curvy. I have hips and I have breasts. I always have. My doctor told me to ignore the height-weight charts, and said that my ideal healthy weight is between 140-165. He said that with my particular body type and frame, anything less than that would be sickly looking. Well, I got down to 143. I  finally had a collarbone and hip bones. I could feel my ribs easily, and while sitting in the tub, I discovered I actually have a tailbone , and that sitting on it for long periods is not the most comfortable thing in the world. I was finally starting to feel GOOD about myself, despite the belly pooch that 2 c-sections and pregnancies inevitably brings. I finally felt just a little bit less invisible. My whole life I have felt invisible, so this was quite the accomplishment. And then it happened. The body I was just beginning to get, that I had wanted my whole life, was destined to disappear again…4 months after Sophie was born and I was finally starting to look like a woman again rather than a big, bloated lump, I find out I am pregnant AGAIN.  It almost felt unfair, in a sense. I have always wanted, more than anything, just to feel pretty for once. I didn’t want to feel like the token fat chick when we hung out with friends. I wanted to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to be able to wear cute clothes and not have to worry about whether or not I *should* be wearing them or not…I was finally just about there, and it was to be taken away as quickly as it came. I am not going to lie…I have shed many, many tears over this. Here I am 6 months pregnant and a whopping 152.2 lbs. I have not gained much during this pregnancy, but I still feel horribly insecure. My belly is HUGE. The rest of me is fine, but  the hourglass shape I had started to have is now gone. I would have to say my shape now is just ROUND. While I KNOW this is to be expected during pregnancy, it still puts me in a state of mild panic when I look into the mirror or hop on the scale. I just wasn’t ready to be pregnant again so soon…I wasn’t ready to sacrifice the body I was finally beginning to have. I know that Xander will be more than worth the small price I am paying now, but lemme tell you…

Pregnancy does not feel sexy or attractive. I do not feel “glowing” or “vibrant”. I have morning sickness and backaches, I have horrible leg cramps….I feel sluggish and exhausted. I cannot get comfortable to save my life. My boobs, which have NOT gotten any bigger, (insert sad face) HURT all the time and are leaking colostrum already… I feel clumsy and awkward. My clothes do not fit. My hair is shedding like mad, I have sporadic breakouts, and I just feel….well….UGLY.

Those who personally know me know that this is something I have always had a problem with. I have very low self-esteem…Always have. As a kid, I was teased by family for being “chubby”, and I got married very young to a man who was abusive and made it his life’s mission to make me feel as inadequate as humanly possible. These things can really take  a toll on a person’s sense of self-worth. I have never felt “good enough.” My hubby swears I have BDD, (body dismorphic disorder) and to be honest, I just might. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see someone who weighs 150 lbs and can fir into a size 8…I see someone grotesquely large and misshapen. It’s like my mind knows better, but my eyeballs do not. So being pregnant for basically 2 years straight has the tendency to make me feel pretty unattractive, mostly because my body is not my own, and I have no control over its rapidly changing shape.

So while most of the time I feel fine, occasionally I will have an “Ugly Day.” Something will trigger it, and I will feel down in the dumps. Like yesterday, I was talking to a good friend, and we were talking about someone I don’t know. I asked, “Was she a tiny girl?” (This was relevant to the story) and she said “No, she was just a tiny bit bigger than you, and for me that’s pretty damn big!” And BAM! There is was….I wanted to just hang-up the phone and cry, but I didn’t. I did cry from the time I got off the phone till well after my hubby got home. When I told him what happened, he just shook his head and told me that I am NOT big. He was actually pretty upset that someone would say something like that to me, especially when I am preggo and the hormones are in overdrive. He thought it was not only BS, but really insensitive. He tried his best to reassure me otherwise, but still here I am the next day having an Ugly Day. So as you can see, sometimes the triggers are something TINY that someone says that just hurts, even if it shouldn’t. When you’re pregnant, your emotions are amplified, and any little insecurities are right there under the surface, ready to show their ugly faces.

So I am laying here in bed, feeling sad, achy, hormonal, and just generally blah…I am watching the Kardashians on my DVR and wishing I knew what it was like to be able to be pretty…to feel desirable. I have never  been a “hot girl”, and I never will be. I am okay with that most of the time. Not all of us are as genetically blessed as Khloe, Kim, and Kourtney. But a girl can dream,lol… Why am I writing about this? Maybe it’s to just get it out…Writing helps sometimes, especially when no one around me seems to understand. But also, I know that if I am feeling the Pregnancy Uglies, there HAS to be someone else out there who has gone through it, too. And if I can make someone realize that they aren’t alone in feeling down on themselves occasionally, then that makes me feel better. It’s a small victory.

So no…I will never drive around in my Mercedes and have tons of people just gawk and stare, and tell me how unbelievably gorgeous I am…I will never be the girl who gets invited to all the biggest bashes who everyone wants to be around…. I will never be the object of desire for millions of men, (or ANY men, for that matter,lol) I will never be one of the high-maintenance types that can go get their hair, nails and make-up done on a whim, all while decked out in the hottest clothes.

 I am the woman who tries her best to just pull it all together, who is lucky if her purse matches her shoes, and who has a handbag on one shoulder and a diaper bag on the other, who may look just a little frazzled and may have baby spit-up somewhere on her clothing that she purchased on EBay for half the retail price. Yes, I may be driving the Mercedes, but rather than toting around an adoring entourage, I am carrying more precious cargo…Beautiful children who need me and love me, even if I look tired or my hair is dissheveled. They don’t care if Mommy is beautiful or not, and it doesn’t seem to bother them that I look like cattle. So while I may get down and I may be insecure about what I look like, I have something that is so much more important. I am a wife, and I am a Mommy. I may get insanely jealous of the Kardashians and I may sometimes wish I could BE them, but then I take a look around me, and I realize that I am so blessed to have a loving family and beautiful children. And even if it means I will never in my life be “beautiful”, I wouldn’t trade what I have for the world. This is ME. And while it may not be overly glamorous, this is as good as it’s gonna get.

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October 5, 2010 - Posted by | Mirror,Mirror On The Wall-Body Image, Beauty Products & Reviews, What They DON'T Tell You About Pregnancy-The Nitty Gritty

2 Comments »

  1. I know what I say doesn’t matter (because you are stubborn) but for what it is worth I think you are beautiful. Dan is a lucky man and what you said was right. Your babies don’t care what mommy looks like, in their eyes you will always be beautiful and that is all that matters!

    Comment by Mary | October 6, 2010 | Reply

  2. Confession time. I have no idea who the Kardashians are. Seriously watching way too much Playhouse Disney and living in a parenting bubble here.

    There was a time when I felt a lot like the Kardashians may feel, ALWAYS done up, ALWAYS feeling glamorous. I used to wear designer clothes and never even consider using last season’s Dior purse. Now I carry nothing but a diaper bad and my size four has stretched into a close to size 14. Sigh.

    Once again, I cannot believe that I don’t even recognize these women. Feels like a little bit of an internet b$*ch slap.

    Comment by Kelsey | October 8, 2010 | Reply


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