Oops, I'm Pregnant Again!

A SAHM's take on pregnancy, babies, beauty,and life as a baby making machine.

My Story….From DV to PCOS&Infertility To Becoming A Baby Making Machine!

From PCOS and infertility to a downright baby factory! This is my story….

{ August 18, 2010 @ 9:34 pm } · { My Story }
{ Leave a Comment }

I had my son when I was almost 19. At the time, I was in an abusive marriage, and wasn’t all of too happy about becoming a mom. I had been with his father since 15, and he was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive towards me. Motherhood wasn’t something I was able to relish at the time. I was more worried about how to survive on a day to day basis. Of course, when Kyle was born, my life changed. I couldn’t believe I could love another person so much. It truly is like a piece of your heart is walking around outside your body, and you would die for that little person. One look at him, and I was hooked. I knew being a mommy was my calling.  It took a few hard years, but I finally got the strength to leave my abuser. It was really the best decision I could have made, for myself and for my son. 

I spent the next couple of years figuring out who I was WITHOUT the ex….I came to discover I was so much more than he brainwashed me to believe I was. I still have difficult days, as many survivors of domestic violence do from time to time, but I was able to learn how to finally LIVE. I had a great job teaching that I loved, and at my son’s school, which was a plus. Over time, I found I didn’t HAVE to be shy, meek, and afraid all the time. I found I could allow myself to have friends and be close to family once again.  It was a hard road. I am not going to lie…When you’re under the control of someone else from such a young age, it is HARD to figure out who you really are afterwards. It was hard putting myself out there, especially when you’re “programmed” to believe you’re not good enough and no one could possibly ever like you. It is amazing to me that I spent so many years terrified of people in general. It is shocking that I let so much of who I was just disappear, all in the hopes of pleasing someone who could never truly be satisfied.  But I DID IT. I am STRONGER than the insecurities that have been ingrained in me. I found the strength to leave. To give my son a fighting chance at life. The way I saw it, I was raising what would one day be a man, and I could not live with myself if he grew up thinking certain things were “normal.”  I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is to find help…Talk to people…Open up…No matter how afraid you may be. Abusers DO NOT CHANGE. They make promises and things may be better for awhile, (what I like to call the Honeymoon Period before the storm) but things never really get better. There are people who do care. You CAN change your life.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I am pretty passionate about DV. After getting out of my situation, I have met SO many other women who have been through the same. It is more common than people want to admit.  Anyway, fast forward a couple of years…..

I get a random friend request on MySpace in 2005. It has a goofy avatar, and just a first name. I add the person, and think nothing of it…I didn’t even check their profile or anything,lol…A few weeks later, I filled out a silly survey, one of those ” answer these questions and send it back to me” type deals. Well, I get a reply from the mystery man in my inbox, and it has answers ABOUT ME. One question was:

Would you ever date me?

His answer was:

I have, and probably could again.

Needless to say, my curiosity was piqued. It turns out, the mystery man was Dan…My first ever boyfriend when I was 13. He was the quintessential “bad boy” back then. But he was always a nice guy with a good heart, and he was my first everything. Needless to say, after what I had been through, I was more than a little cautious. I would not agree to see him for a couple of months. We just talked online and on the phone…Until he finally convinced me to meet up with him at my local Denny’s to hang out and catch up on old times.  I wasn’t looking for anything…He wasn’t looking for anything…But what we found was definitely SOMETHING. We stayed for 12 hours and just talked. It was like no time had gone by at all. We could still read eachother’s thoughts and finish eachother’s sentences. I had found my best friend, and the man I was born to love. It’s funny how sometimes the first really ends up being the last…even with years in-between.

Dan is an amazing husband, and he took Kyle in as his own from day 1. He has gone above and beyond to take care of us and to give us the life we never thought we’d be lucky enough to find. He accepts me fully, flaws and all. He understands my insecurities and their roots, and he has really been amazing. I never thought a man could love someone without hurting them. Dan proved me wrong. He is absolutely selfless, gentle, and kind. He can laugh with me and at me, when necessary. He is the cheese to my macaroni. He is where I belong. I am so grateful to have found him again.

We married  on April 5, 2008. It was a small ceremony, but nice, nonetheless. We were excited about our future, and had already been trying for a couple of years to have a baby of our own. Between 2006-2008, we had 3 miscarriages. I felt broken. It was the most depressing period of my life. All around me, friends and family were getting pregnant. I thought I had somehow deserved this. That maybe DipShit was RIGHT, and I didn’t deserve to be happy. I felt like I was a failure as a woman. I had finally found a man who deserved to be a father, and that seemed to be a gift I couldn’t give. It was a very dark period for me. I had SO much to be happy about, and I couldn’t do the one thing a woman is born to do. We tried everything…I made him take zinc supplements , I was taking all kinds of fertility boosting supplements, we even resorted to a Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor and Pre-Seed. Finally, after all the losses and month after month of disappointment, I was diagnosed with PCOS. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) I will more than likely post more info on this common and very under-diagnosed disorder in another post. Anyway, I had to come to terms with the fact that I may not be able to have more children. It was a bitter pill to swallow. I questioned everything… I questioned my marriage, (Why would he want me if I am broken?) I questioned God…I questioned my own worth…I felt like I had been punished somehow. I had done plenty of bad things as a kid, and I thought maybe I was going through the pain of infertility as some sort of pay-back, even though I was a much different person than I was as a teen. For those who have ever dealt with infertility or miscarriages, you know what I mean. It is the worst kind of pain there is. And you feel alone.

I had to somehow learn to accept this. I had to take control over the PCOS, no matter how hard it seemed. I started following the IR Diet. It taught me how to eat properly. PCOS generally coincides with insulin resistence, so I literally had to re-train my mind, since normal nutrition guidelines DO NOT work for my body as efficiently as for a woman without PCOS. I started taking all kinds of crazy stuff that is supposed to help….Cinnamon capsules, unfiltered cider vinegar, fish oil, baby aspirin, and an herbal alternative to Metformin, a commonly prescribed drug for the treatment of PCOS, which is actually a diabetic drug. The herbal version is called Hyponidd. I took this religiously, as all the research and testimonials I have found looked very promising. Well, 6 months later, after I had given up on having a baby and we had been approved with an adoption agency, I became pregnant with my miracle baby, Sophia Suzanne.  After all the tears and heartache, WE WERE HAVING OUR BABY!

My pregnancy was awful….Projectile vomit on a daily basis ALL 9 MONTHS…Aches and pains, acid reflux, a nasty hemmerhoid, and start and stop labor for a month and half. Stuck at 2 cm that long!

Finally, on 12/31/09, a scheduled C-section gave us our daughter, Sophie. I was laughing and crying at the same time. We finally had what we had tried so long for. She was a spitting image of her Daddy, with a full head of dark hair, and was 6 lbs 5 oz and 19 inches long. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen….Still is!

We just started getting used to having Sophie. We were just getting into the groove of things, and were past the up-all-night marathons that come with a newborn…I had finally just about healed from my C-section….Things were good. I had lost almost 50 lbs and was at a lower weight than I had seen in over a decade, I was enjoying being a new mommy again. I was glad that the constant sickness for 9 straight months was over. I was enjoying my new family….

And then I get the e-mail…One cryptic sentence that changed everything. It was from my mother, who I am not all that close to. We really don’t talk much at all. We might e-mail once a month or so. Even then, it’s pretty impersonal. My mom has some issues and demons she has to battle, and it keeps her from really being a mom, or a grandma, for that matter. Anyway,, here is what her e-mail said:

Brandy, could you possibly be pregnant?

No! There was just no possible way! I wasn’t late!(Was I? And if I was, my mom had no way to know that.) I just HAD a baby…I have PCOS, I don’t get pregnant easily. We have at least a few years of TRYING before that could happen! But…My mom has an eerie 6th sense about things….She has dreams…And sometimes, she’s right. I tried to put it out of my mind. Finally, a week later, I told Dan we were going to CVS. I was going to buy a digital just to make myself feel better. (I am a worry-wart by nature.) So we get the test…A 2 pack of First Response Gold digitals. We came home, and I peed on a stick. With no worried at all. I put it down and walked away, started doing chores, etc…I come back a few minutes later, and sure enough, it says YES+. I scream “Oh F**k!” so loudly that both my hubby AND my son come running. My husband said, “Okay, timing sucks, but this is good!” My son, with the infinite wisdom of a 10 year old, rolls his eyes and says “Here we go again.”  That says it all.

So that is my life, up to this point. I have been through a lot, from Domestic Violence to PCOS to infertility to literally popping them out back to back. While I have a lot on my plate and might bitch and complain, (damn hormones!) I am grateful everyday for everything this crazy life has to offer.   I tell it like it is, I don’t candy coat, and I have a pretty good sense of humor. Here I will document my travels through my pregnancy, mommihood, and how to be a smoking hot wifey while covered in drool and baby poo. This should be fun!

That is me, in a nutshell!


August 19, 2010 - Posted by | My Story, My Story | , , , , , , ,

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